The husband and I just celebrated our 15th anniversary. Fifteen! 

To celebrate the occasion, I’m recycling a post about marriage that I wrote five years ago. Much of what I shared remains the same, although I did add and edit a few points. I hope some of this resonates with you, makes you laugh and, perhaps even, gives you some emotional ammo to keep doing this thing called marriage the best way you can.

 

When Opposites Say, “I Do”

By the time this blog post is published, I would have celebrated my tenth wedding anniversary. Naturally, that would make me a certified expert on the topic of relationships and marriage. I can now dole-out wise words about the perfect Happily-Ever-After.

Sure. Absolutely. If I lived in a sitcom where life is always upbeat and one gets out of bed with perfect hair and freshly applied makeup.

I, however, have the distinction of not living in a sitcom.

After a decade of saying I do, raising two kidlings, and living on two continents with my family, I’m still learning the ropes — I still feel like a newbie at this marriage thing, and I still mess up. Routinely.

But when the blog topic “Loving Each Other’s Differences in a Marriage” came up, I felt compelled to write.

The hubbers and I are as different as they come. Not like apples-and-oranges different, or even Mars-and-Venus different . . . More like, he’s from Mars and I’m an apple (well, more of a pear when it comes to fashion guides, but I won’t get too technical).

Physically, we’re worlds apart. Literally, we breathe different qualities of air, the husband being a foot and two inches taller than I am. He’s long and lean. I’m, well . . . I’m not.

He’s a computer engineer; I write blogs. He has a classic Type A personality; I try to defy typecasting of any sort. He eats to live; I’m a foodie with a specialization in all things chocolate. He likes making polite conversation; I like being a social butterfly. He has no qualms about (calmly) confronting someone who has wronged him; I run from conflict like I’m Usain Bolt.

I told you: Mars and apples. But, over the years, I’ve made some discoveries about relating to my spouse – and letting those differences work for us.

Your husband is not your BFF.

I know it’s all Rom-Com to say you married your bestie, and maybe you did. But not everyone’s spouse is created to be their best friend. Life partner? Yes. Best friend who watches the same movies, gives you fashion advice, and listens with rapt attention to juicy details of your cousin’s trip to Europe? Er… Not so much. Don’t expect him to be that kindred spirit who will want to chat and introspect and share his feelings over a cup of decaf frappacino. I’m learning that my husband’s way of decompressing is way different from mine and that space is important to him (Yes, people there’s a reason “man caves” have become such a popular concept). And, slowly, I’m learning to enjoy my space too (“She Sheds,” anyone?).

Your husband is not telepathic.

Nope, your man cannot divinely discern your needs and expectations. The “If he loves me, he’ll know I need this” deal makes life confusing for your spouse and frustrating for you. So keep it simple and spell out your needs for the man (and maybe even at which store he can fulfill them!). Guessing games are good for TV reality shows. Not marriage.

Your husband is not your competition.

You and your spouse are meant to complement each other – not compete with each other. You may have very different roles and personalities – but you’re both on the same team. While the world chooses to value one role over the other, you can still choose to believe the truth that you were both created different, yet equal.

Your husband is not the cake.

In my single days, I wrote a journal entry asking that the Lord would be my cake. Yeah, it’s not exactly Biblical language, but I think God got what that 25-year-old girl was asking: that I would be fully satisfied in Him first and that my life partner would then be my bonus — the icing on my cake. When I try to make my husband my God, I put undue stress on him and create expectations that no human can possibly fulfill. My husband is a great guy but he makes a lousy god. If there’s one takeaway from this post, let it be this one. Only God is God. And only God can fulfill those deep needs within you.

Your husband is not a story-writer.

It’s easy to concoct stories about the script running in your husband’s mind. There are several versions of this, but one of them goes something like this: “He didn’t say anything about my new outfit. He probably thinks I look fat in it. He doesn’t think I’m attractive anymore. I don’t even know if he still loves me …” And, voila, you’ve worked yourself up into a tizzy. We sometimes project our insecurities on our spouses. And we imagine stories that are far from reality. With several years of marriage under my belt, here’s one thing I know for a fact: When your man is brooding and deep in thought, he’s most likely calculating the best time to get an oil change for the car. That’s it. Leave the fiction to books. Unless you like drama and love playing the femme fatale. In which case, we need to talk.

So, after ten years I’m learning to get excited about techie stuff (well, sorta!) and he’s taking me out for dessert more often. I’m starting to decompress while watching mindless action flicks and he’s learning to give me details about his day when we talk. Our differences seem less glaring and more about balancing each other out. 

And, while my man may not know the first thing about baking, he’s doing a pretty good job of being the icing on the cake.

 

 

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