No one wants to be unempathetic when a friend is in a painful situation.

Or at least only a handful of Devil-Wears-Prada-type boss people actually set out to be callous about others’ problems. Most of us want to say the right thing to a hurting friend.

But, sometimes, one’s foot does this weird thing and gets stuck in one’s mouth. Like, really wedged in there. You hear yourself saying things that you wouldn’t want to hear yourself, especially if you’re going through a rough patch.

(Ever been there? Or am I the only one raising my hand?)

Speaking of a rough patch, there’s one person in the Bible who hit rock bottom. Like imagine your worst-case scenario and multiply that by 100x — and you have Job’s life.

Job had lost pretty much everything — his home, his wealth, his children, and his health.

God had allowed the devil to play havoc in this man’s life. Yes, God would ultimately reign in Job’s situation, but in the meantime, Job suffered deep emotional anguish.

Do you know what someone in that broken situation doesn’t need?

Advice.

Do you know what Job got as he faced unfathomable pain and loss?

Yup — advice.

His friends came along, pretended to lend an ear, and then rattled off a list of things Job should and shouldn’t do.

Job’s buddy Eliphaz especially seems to have an uncanny knack for saying unsympathetic things.

And when I read these words of Eliphaz in Job 5:18, it set my teeth on edge.

Eliphaz said seven insensitive words that I pray won’t cross our lips when we meet anyone encountering deep loss.

“But if I were you, I would…”

Screeeech. He did not just say that!

In my opinion, Job should have “unfriended” Eliphaz right away (I’m kidding. I think!)

The thing is we’re not the other person. We can’t pretend to understand, to know the depth of pain they face, to grasp the extent of their grief.

“If I were you…” doesn’t exude empathy, it oozes superiority.

Perhaps Eliphaz’s intentions were not bad. He may have genuinely wanted to help out his friend. But there’s a time and a place for sharing “wise” words. And that time and place are not when someone is grieving.

So, what are we to do instead?

Job lays it out quite plainly in the next chapter.

He says that a despairing man needs a devoted friend.

He says that a desperate man needs a dependable friend.

Nowhere does he speak of a friend who dispenses advice.

Recently, I listened to a short message from Nancy Guthrie about helping those affected by loss. I loved her insights and I’m sharing them with you in brief, but I would encourage you to watch the video as well.

Here are four things Guthrie says grieving people wish we knew about helping them through their pain:

1. Just show up. Grief is lonely. Your presence is comforting. Listen to them. There isn’t a “perfect” phrase to say. Nothing you say can ‘fix’ the problem. So simply show up.
2. Don’t bring up stories of someone else’s loss or your own loss. It may feel natural to share similar situations. But when we share others’ stories, we’re not esteeming the pain of the grieving person.
3. Talk to them about the person who has died. Say the name of the person who has died. Share specific memories about the person and share that you miss them too.
4. Give them some time and space to just be sad. Don’t set a timetable where you expect them to “spring back.” Their grief is not a “problem” to be “solved.” Sadness is part of the process of healing. Give them time to heal

Guthrie shares from personal experience of deep loss as well as from speaking to many who have faced loneliness and grief. Her words are full of wisdom, especially if we want to be the kind of friend who truly cares.

Job didn’t have those kinds of friends to turn to in his time of pain.

Maybe others don’t either. Let’s pray that God would mold us into the kind of people who come alongside the hurting and display His love in a tangible way.

When someone hits rock bottom, let’s be the kind of friend who is rock solid and simply stands with them on the Rock that was cleft for us both.

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