You may recall my online grocery shopping goof up from a few months ago. What?? That life-changing event is not indelibly etched in your memory?

Well, to recap, I accidentally ordered 21 cucumbers online and then solemnly pledged not to let even one wither away, so help me God! I won that battle hands down.

I now bring you Round 2 of Susan vs Online Grocery Shopping.

Dim the lights. Let the games begin!

Tough Nut to Crack

Should be simple to order a baggie of yummylicious cashew nuts so I can crunch my way through re-runs of Suits, right? Wrong!

I browse the “aisles” of my favorite grocery site for the best cashew deals – and I end up with this nut job.

Deep fried flour nuggets shaped like cashew nuts. Yeah, that sure made me feel like Einstein.  When I opened the delivery boxes, I so depressed by its CONtents that I had no choice but to rip open the plastic baggie and stuff my mouth with handfuls of the imposter “nuts.”

Maybe it’s a good thing it was an online transaction – or someone would have suffered cashewalties. (I should apologize for slipping that in. Not that sorry though *Sheepish grin)

Online shopping: 1. Susan: 0

Picture This

Online product pics = only the dumbest thing ever. Those marketing wizards should consider photographing products next to a hand model to show you that a 200 gm box is about as big as your pinky with arthritis. I click through the sizes of a particular product – 150 ml, 300 ml, 550 ml – and they all look annoyingly alike. Like DITTO.

That’s how I end up buying the baby version of things – and then have to back them up with the big mama version:

 

(And don’t ask why I don’t know what 150 ml looks like. I just don’t, okay. I. Just. Don’t.)

And this:

 

Maggi Hot & Sweet. Maybe, I was sending a subliminal message to the hubbers. Like, we may be married 10 years, but I’m still hot and sweet, no matter what size I come in. (Yeah, I should get a life.)

Online shopping: 1.5. Susan: .5 for trying

New Discoveries

While shopping online you may uncover somewhat disconcerting information. Like these words of wisdom describing Veet hair removal cream:

Unwanted hair is usually not appreciated.

Mind. Blown.

Let’s read on:

From making time to go to a parlor to be able to find an appointment at a parlor, it is a coordinated and a planned activity that makes hair removal so difficult. Reckitt Benckiser’s new innovation Veet hair removal cream is a blessing to all the women.

How could I possibly pass up on this “blessing” to womenkind? The alternative seems alarming: I would need to make a “coordinated and planned” attempt to strategically align my schedule with that of a salon. Mission Impossible. Forget Ethan Hunt. It’s Veet to the rescue.

Online shopping: 1.5, Susan 1.5 for being a blessing detector

Sports Practice

If you need cricket balls for your kid’s next game, order guavas online. Perfect color and the right firmness.

Order fruits online and you can eat them – about a week or two after they’re delivered. Meanwhile, you can use them for pitching practice, juggling, or to get your 7-year-old’s loose tooth out in a humane and organic fashion.

Online shopping: 1.5, Susan 1 for her product diversification portfolio

Clean Comedy

What? It’s not Lysol, like the American disinfectant? It’s LiZol? Wow, some ad exec pulled all the stops when he was brainstorming for product names. Well, hello Lizol with a Z! I could learn to live with you. Now, let’s read your online description:

“Lizol Lavender Surface Cleaner gives an expert protection against injurious bacteria with a unique non-bleach formula. It has been especially developed to depart in your home and on your laundry a nice and enjoyable smell.”

Wow, protection against injurious bacteria? (The non-injurious variety can still camp out at my house. No problemos)

A nice and enjoyable smell will depart in my house??

Sign me up already!!

Online shopping: 1.5. Susan: 2 points (humor while grocery shopping is a rare but valuable find)

Ting. Ting. Ting. Time’s up.

Till Round 3, Grocery Games. Till Round 3.