I just spent a good chunk of my morning YouTubing a how-to video (That’s a verb, right? YouTubing?). It wasn’t a ‘How to Deal with Whining Kids’ or a ‘How to Bake Hot Cross Buns for Easter’ video. It was somewhat less noble. It was a tutorial. On how to apply mascara.
A sweet young thing earnestly expounded the intricacies of using mascara. Then, like all YouTube suckas, I wound up watching three more video tutorials by the same sweet young thing. Including one she says is a “quick” makeup routine for newbies. She then pulled out enough make up to make Bozo the Clown look like he was a little pale. The quick routine included using a medieval torture instrument aka an eyelash curler. She applied layer upon layer of stuff for fifteen minutes. Fifteen uninterrupted, kid-free minutes. That itself left me gob smacked. Anyway, the young thing knew what she was talking about – she emerged a hot young thing (Yup, old enough to call her hot without raising any eyebrows).
Inspired, I took my 36-year-old face to the bathroom, armed with all the makeup I owned. I even had on hand some rather crumbly, drug-store mascara. Turns out, even crumbly mascara can still smear everywhere. I kept wiping it off with my hands and blotting it into my (thankfully) still-black hair.
About ten minutes in, I looked at my raccoon-like face in the mirror and realized I’d just had a bout of the deadly disease “GIGO,” also known as “Gosh, I’m Getting Older.” (And, yes, us old people say things like “Gosh” or “Goodness gracious.”)
I had had a mini mid-life crisis. My YouTube history was proof thereof.
Here are other indicators you may be in the same boat (sailing toward the setting sun).
1. Your perfect night is not a night out. It’s staying in with Netflix and a jar of Nutella.
2.Your evening goal is fairly simple: Get out of your jeans and get into sweats. Breathe.
3. Speaking of jeans, you did a happy dance when high-waisted jeans came back.
4. You hope the cashier asks for your ID when you buy some vino. When he/she doesn’t, you grit your teeth and smile politely.
5. It takes way longer to put on your going-out face these days. (Fifteen minutes is starting to look pretty reasonable)
6. When online surveys ask for your birth date, you spend a while scrolling down the decades.
7. You’re familiar with current music. Because they play it at the Senior Center during your water aerobics class. (Okay, that was below the belt. It’s really because of your low-impact Zumba class.)
8. If it’s not written down somewhere, you WILL forget it. Guaranteed.
9. You sound just like your mom.
10. Speaking of moms, you remember her fortieth (and Oprah’s) like it was yesterday. And now your best friends and you are planning your mega 40th getaway.
11. On those rare nights out at the movies, it takes forever to straighten out and get your circulation going. Then comes an Oscar-worthy performance of acting like your knees aren’t freaking killing you as you walk out of the theater.
12. You look at the summer collection of dresses at Target and wonder where those strings are supposed to go.
13. You have to own up to the kids that they can’t watch a show because you don’t know how to turn on device A, B or C.
14. You complain about your mattress and your pillow. You invest in better Sleep Number beds and pillows that give clouds a complex. You still complain.
15. You begin to consider some of life’s biggest questions. Like, can you afford to indulge in caffeine after 4 pm?
16. You gain weight even when you’re living on nothing but love and fresh air. Carbs begin to look unnervingly sinister.
17. You justify the lurve handles. Here’s the most convincing excuse: 1 of you = 2 adults with voting rights (as in, 36 = 18 +18)
18. You have a case of GIGO and watch make-up tutorials hosted by 18-year-olds.
Well, there’s probably more to add. But I have to go pick up my Vitamin B from the store now. Might as well add ‘Eyelash Curler’ to my shopping list. Cause if it’s not on the list, my eyelashes may remain uncurly for the next 36 years.